Paula Panich

Mountain Stories: A Gardener In the Wild

Manzanita Trees in San Jacinto Mountains

The San Jacinto Mountains, above Palm Springs, California, shoot up 10,804 feet from the desert without, as one writer has it, the geologic fanfare of foothills. I’d come in January 2006 to one of its mountain towns, Idyllwild, to try to recover some shred of a self fractured from a September move. I left a beloved New England landscape, town, house, and garden for a particularly congested section of Los Angeles, called Miracle Mile. The miracle, as far as I can tell, has to do with cramming 5,280 linear feet with a million people, an equal number of cars, and billions of dollars.

Every day in L.A. was raw, and seemed dangerous. Drivers were poised to kill. I saw a homeless man brush his teeth over a trash bin. On a clear night in October we heard long minutes of gunfire. I couldn’t sleep. A California native, Salvia leucophylla, bloomed blue-lavender in the neighborhood, but my heart was closed. One afternoon I hit a car in a parking lot. In early January I had two bouts of traffic-induced panic.

All this was confusing and upsetting. When I did sleep, I often woke up crying. I wanted to steady myself, thinking of the far greater displacement and losses suffered by survivors of Katrina, and tried to buck up. But all life is individual life.

The first week or so in mile-high Idyllwild I ran at urban speed. Cell phone work? Wi-fi card installed? Bills paid? On a six-hour hike on the familiar South Ridge Trail, I scrambled off-trail up a ledge, and then couldn’t remember the way I had come. Body not attached to head.

On the coastal side of the mountain, eleven overlapping life zones seem to call in the plant diaspora of California. It’s a dizzying and unpredictable botanical stew, where Chaparral-zone shrubs chat up lodge pole pines. Particularly striking are the twisting architectural shrubby trees, manzanita (Arctostaphylos spp.). The mahogany-cinnamon color of its smooth and slick-looking bark enlivens the forest and rocks and boulders and honeycombed canyons of greens and greys and coffees. Even the silvery skeletons shine.

One warm mid-January morning something happened between me and a manzanita that brought me back to ground and to my senses. I was walking along the Ernie Maxwell Trail. I had strolled by thousands of these shrubs and small trees already when, for some reason I spied, I suppose in some Buddhist sense, one. It was holding onto a small slope just up from the trail, trapped by debris from a fallen tree. I jumped into the manzanita. I grabbed dead branches from its crown. I pulled out pieces of wood from its branches. I threw it all into a pile across the trail. I cracked, shoved, dragged, kicked. It was as if I had run out after a storm to find the venerable mountain laurel in my Massachusetts garden similarly stricken. I worked so fast and hard my arms scraped and bled, but not so mindlessly that I lost balance or footing.

I finally stopped. The tree was permanently pinned and torn in three places by the splintered giant. Short of a chainsaw, I could work no further. I grieved for this little tree.

Then, I took a broader view. The mountain was witness to thousands of crushed manzanita, most still living. I’ve since returned to Idyllwild (it’s the anti-L.A.) to see new growth on the tips of “my” manzanita, in spite of its wounds. A couple of times though, preoccupied on the trail, I’ve whizzed by it. So much for oneness.

Yet I carry a few of the manzanita’s small leathery leaves in a pocket, and hide three or four in my pillowcase. I can’t explain why.

Two days after my adventure on the trail, a generous Czech woman in Idyllwild leant me a book about “plant spirit” medicine. She did not know about the manzanita. Eliot Cowan writes in this book: “[T]he magic is not in the matter. It’s in the spirit.” So I don’t worry about losing the leaves. I don’t know what to make of it all, really. Sometimes I think it was just the natural behavior of a gardener in the wild.

(This article was first published on tricycle.com, where it can still be found. Copyright 2006 by Paula Panich)

Mountain Stories: A Woman’s Passing

The small Southern California town of Idyllwild, in the San Jacinto Mountains above Palm Springs, is about two and a half hours east of Los Angeles. The town is a mile high, not incorporated, and is home to about 3,000 permanent residents.  I began spending time here in early 2006, when I met Anna Bielecki and then wrote the following about the nutritionist, chef, and “personal health coach” in Idyllwild.  Anna Bielecki died on January 13, 2013. This is the first of a series of posts called Mountain Stories. Text and photo copyright Paula Panich, 2012.

 

 

 

February 2, 2006

Last night, for dessert, I had a small piece of carrot cake cut from a plain sheet cake fresh from the pan.  It was made from a recipe of the grandmother of Jessie, who is Anna’s young culinary assistant.

Anna runs two restaurants in Idyllwild. One, Mozart House, is open on weekends, and the other is Nature’s Wisdom, open seven days a week. This is the restaurant I frequent daily, usually for lunch, otherwise knowing no one at all in Idyllwild, I would sit at my keyboard and not speak to another human being all day.

I hesitated slightly when I saw the sign for Nature’s Wisdom, which has a very small cross on it. Having been boxed in during my youth by unwanted proselytizing, I prefer to have my lunch straight, thank you very much. But the only real proselytizing that happens at Anna’s, as I now call the restaurant, has to do with the faith in the power of unadulterated and organic foods, and then only if you ask for it.

I had stopped by Anna’s yesterday afternoon to pay my debt from the day before. My debt was a result of the malfunctioning of the two ATM machines in Idyllwild —no machines, no money for a visitor. Anna accepts only cash. Never mind, she had said, pay me tomorrow. That is what occasioned my luck in arriving the moment the carrot cake came out of the oven.

She had not remembered the $30 debt. As I plunged into the kitchen just behind the cash till to get a look at the cake, she said she and Jessie had made it as an experiment as a customer had asked her to bake a birthday cake. Was it festive or sweet enough to serve at a party? She wanted to know. “Everything is organic,” she said, “the carrots, the flour, the sugar — but not the cream cheese.” I had the feeling she considered this a personal failure.

Just then an expectant boy of ten or eleven rushed in, his eyes never moving from Anna’s face. She cut a piece of cake, frosted it, and handed to him. He almost flew toward the door, Anna calling after him, “You can get a napkin, if you want!” He stopped in flight, grabbed a paper napkin from a stand next to the big glass-fronted refrigerator, and fled, without saying a single world.

The carrot cake was good, honest, moist, fragrant.  When I asked to take some home, Anna carefully wrapped a piece and handed it over along with a small plastic container of cream cheese frosting. (No soggy cake on her watch.)

My bill was $32.50, and I handed her two twenties. Most of the change went into the glass vase with the little sign spelling out the word KARMA. Anna does not take anything from this jar, leaving it for the young people in her employ.

She asked me how the supplement was working out (the cause of my debt from the previous day), and I said in fact it was working out. I had bought a jar of something called SPS 30, “mucolytic enzyme formula,” after I had mentioned a sinus-y headache, and Anna had walked to a far shelf and pulled down this small container. By this time I was three weeks under Anna’s spell, and shook off my prejudices and history, and bought the capsules.  (I do feel better, though I have thrown out more “supplements” over the years to fill a small Dumpster.)

I pick up the cake, cream cheese, and three organic oranges from a box on the floor (three for a dollar). Then Anna asks me about the misfiring ATM machines. How do they work? You mean no one stands behind them making them work?

She laughs. “I’m a technology dinosaur.”

I told her someone does replenish the money in the machine, but the rest was computerized.

“I remember listening to music on the radio when I was five,” she says.

This was in Czechoslovakia, in 1955. Her head is cocked to one side as she recalls this, and I can easily see the blonde child she was trying to peer into the music-making apparatus.

“I was trying to imagine the tiny violins and the other instruments, and those tiny people playing them,” she says. “How could they have possibly fit into this box?”

She still wonders at her wonder.

 

 

Odette’s Secret: A Child Hidden in Plain Sight

Maryann Macdonald’s Latest Book:

 

When I lived in London with my family in the mid-1990s, I went to a meeting that haunts me still. A woman spoke about trying to use her dreams to recapture three lost years of her life. As a three-year-old French Jew, she was taken to a small village to live as a Catholic child in the bosom of a large farm family. But she recalls nothing of it. Nothing at all.

But Odette Myers, who later became a poet, professor, and Californian, was nine years old when she was taken to the countryside to hide in plain sight, and remembered it all. Now Maryann Macdonald, author of more that twenty published books for children, has written an exquisite story of Odette’s childhood journey for older readers, Odette’s Secrets.

Amazingly, both Odette’s mother, a member of the French Resistance, and her father, who spent much of the war in in a German prisoner of war camp, survived and the family was reunited in Paris. In 1949,  they came to live in Los Angeles. Odette was educated at UCLA, and then earned a master degree and a Ph.D. at U.C. Riverside. She taught French literature at a number of California universities, including UC Berkeley.

Maryann Macdonald’s story is told in first person, through Odette’s voice as a nine or ten year old child, with an astonishing immediacy in the unfolding story and in the feeling-tone of Odette’s inner life. How could a child make sense of having to leave her parents and to pretend to be someone else?

But Odette — and her voice in this story — is steady, steady, steady. Maryann Macdonald has written in blank verse, to honor the poet Odette. Here’s the Jewish child as she’s taught to pray by Madame Raffin, the mother in the countryside who will protect her:

“At last Madame Raffin is satisfied

that we know the prayers by heart,

that we won’t make a mistake.

She takes our hands and squeezes them for courage.

‘Never forget you are Christians,’ she says.

‘Your fathers are French soldiers taken prisoner.

Your mothers have jobs in Paris.

They sent you to live in my house

so you’ll be well fed and safe.’

We promise.

I know it will be easy for me.

I an used to keeping secrets.

Madame Raffin opens the door.

 

Mmm . . . soup.”

 

There is a remarkable essay by the author at the end of the book, telling the story of how the author  found Odette Meyers’s 1997 memoir, Doors to Madame Marie, and the years of devoted research that followed.

Full disclosure: I met Maryann Macdonald when we both lived in London. (She lives in Manhattan now.) I have been following the unfolding of this book. I knew it would eventually find a publishing home, and so it has. This morning I read a 2001 obituary of Odette Meyers, by Alexandra Wall, on jweekly.com. Wall interviewed someone who knew Odette Meyers, and said that Odette “had a certain way of inspiring people to have confidence in themselves.” This is evident in Odette’s childhood voice, brought to readers by Maryann Macdonald with precision and heart. And by the way, I would say this of this wonderful writer herself.

 

 

 

 

Oh, Italo Calvino! I’m Awake! I’m Awake!

Talk about waking up to language! This is from Italo Calvino: Letters 1941-1985, translated by Martin McLaughlin, and to be published in May by Princeton University Press. (I will buy it IMMEDIATELY!)

This letter (a fragment of which is below) is believed to have been written in 1969.

 

 

Dear Mr. Ricci,

 

 

Here is my CV. I was born in 1923 under a sky in which the radiant Sun and melancholy Saturn were housed in harmonious Libra. I spent the first twenty-five years of my life in what was in those days a still verdant San Remo, which contained cosmopolitan eccentrics amid the surly isolation of its rural, practical folk; I was marked for life by both these aspects of place. (…)

 

You can read the rest of the letter in the April issue of Harper’s!

 

 

 

A Dream Bird Called Boredom

Amazing things can come your way if you allow yourself to wander, especially through footnotes. Real footnotes, in books. Which is how I was introduced to the celebrated German critic, Walter Benjamin, and his essay, “The Storyteller.”

I was in the Round Reading Room at the British Library in Bloomsbury, reading about fairy tales. I did this for almost two years. It wasn’t the 19th-century. It was 1994. I was reading a book of Angela Carter’s, and I followed her thinking through her footnotes.

It was before most of us were hooked by the Internet. There were cell phones, though, but not many people on e-mail. There was the fax machine. No one twittered.

“The Storyteller” is an elegy for the real storytelling — the oral tale. It is about many other things, but one passage has stayed with me all these years, what Benjamin wrote about boredom. He wrote it in the 1930s. That was the era of the telephone, the overseas cable, and the postage stamp.

Benjamin was very upset about the ravages of the first two decades if the 20th Century. He realized that after the World War (he was writing about the first, of course, the second was yet to come) and the destruction and horror of mechanized warfare, that the helplessness of the “tiny, fragile human body” against killing machines was on this Earth to stay.

I was reminded of Walter Benjamin when I read Sean Kernan’s blog post on the salutary effects of boredom on the human spirit (see www.seankernan.squarespace.com)
in response to a recent piece in the New York Times Book Review by Jennifer Schuessler.

Neuroscientists are praising the effects of boredom. I regret it is too late for Walter Benjamin, who would have wondered why it took them so long. (He took his own life, in 1940, fearing capture by the Nazis.)

But here is the poetry of it, from eight decades ago:

“Boredom is the dream bird that hatches the egg of experience. A rustling in the leaves drives him away. His nesting places — the activities that are intimately associated with boredom — are already extinct in the cities and declining in the country as well. With this the gift of listening is lost and the community of listeners disappears.”

(You can find this essay in Illuminations, a collection of his writing.)

Wrap this metaphor around any of the arts that come from the hand, eye, heart and mind of the fragile human being.

Perception is an Activity

I’m teaching a class in the UCLA Extension Landscape Architecture Program called Making Space:  Four Voices, Four Writers, Four Landscapes. We’ve become interested in the anthropology of space, that is, how language, culture, and experience shape our perception of space.

(In the article below, by the way, there is a reference to “Edge” — that is edge.org. )

I ran across this post on the NPR blog, Planet Money.  Our tricky minds! So much is at work and play when we try to think about how we think or see.

3 Ways the Brain Betrays Us by Jacob Goldstein

Over at Edge, they’re asking a bunch of big thinkers a big question:  “What scientific concept would improve everybody’s cognitive toolkit?”

They’ve collected more than 150 responses, and it’s fun and interesting to read (or at least skim) through all of them.

Lots of the responses point out systematic cognitive errors that are deeply embedded in all of us. In other words, our brains are wired to prevent us from seeing the world as it is.

Here are three examples that stood out to me.

1. Memory is rigged

…human beings tend almost invariably to be better at remembering evidence that is consistent with their beliefs than evidence that might disconfirm them. When two people disagree, it is often because their prior beliefs lead them to remember (or focus on) different bits of evidence. To consider something well, of course, is to evaluate both sides of an argument, but unless we also go the extra mile of deliberately forcing ourselves to consider alternatives—not something that comes naturally—we are more prone to recalling evidence consistent with a proposition than inconsistent with it.

From “Cognitive Humility,” by Gary Marcus

2. We see patterns where there is only randomness

…when our pattern-detection systems misfire they tend to err in the direction of perceiving patterns where none actually exist.

The German neurologist Klaus Conrad coined the term “Apophenia” to describe this tendency in patients suffering from certain forms of mental illness. But it is increasingly clear from a variety of findings in the behavioral sciences that this tendency is not limited to ill or uneducated minds; healthy, intelligent people make similar errors on a regular basis: a superstitious athlete sees a connection between victory and a pair of socks, a parent refuses to vaccinate her child because of a perceived causal connection between inoculation and disease, a scientist sees hypothesis-confirming results in random noise, and thousands of people believe the random “shuffle” function on their music software is broken because they mistake spurious coincidence for meaningful connection.

In short, the pattern-detection that is responsible for so much of our species’ success can just as easily betray us.

From “Everyday Apophenia,” by David Pizarro

3. We overestimate the importance of whatever we think about

Nothing In Life Is As Important As You Think It Is, While You Are Thinking About It. …

On average, individuals with high income are in a better mood than people with lower income, but the difference is about 1/3 as large as most people expect. When you think of rich and poor people, your thoughts are inevitably focused on circumstances in which their income is important. But happiness depends on other factors more than it depends on income.

From “Focusing Illusion,” by Daniel Kahneman

 

Marx and Mulholland and Why Everything Is Connected to Everything Else

The day of the Resurrection or the resurrection or just any Sunday, depending. But I thought to comment on my previous post, “Eating Icons,” first published in a longer form in the oldest extant magazine in the country. I love history, so I like that about The North American Review.

My true mentor in essay-writing is Vivian Gornick, a writer’s writer, fierce intellectual, and die-hard New Yorker. She teaches that good writing in the form of the personal essay must be alive on the page, bear the signature of its maker, so to speak, and always, always must implicate the self.

“Eating Icons” fails on all fronts.

In 1994, I was living in London with my family, and daily making the trek from Hampstead on the Northern Line to Tottenham Court Station, then walking over to Bloomsbury, where the British Library was then, and sat under the dome (constructed 1857) and fell in love with the Reading Room as everyone had done before me, including Karl Marx. The seats are numbered and everyone knew where Marx had sat, toiling away on words that would throw a bomb into what had been known as the orderly march of history.

I was studying Slavic fairy tales. Then I was studying fairy tales in general, and then I was studying the origin of fire, and anthropology, and then 17th-century English cookery and history. That’s the way it is there, in the British Library. One thing leads to another.

Eggs show up in great numbers in fairy tales, and the story my friend had told me about her drawing of an egg was still lurking in my heart, and when I researched and wrote the piece I was able to pull in the folklore, and anthropology, and cookery, and everything else. Karl Marx was even in it indirectly, but was edited out for the blog posting. (It had to do with Fabergé eggs turning anyone into a Bolshevik.)

Right before I began writing the piece, my father killed himself. I returned to Phoenix, where we had been living before the move to London, in time to be with him as he died, and then I returned to London and took up eggs.

Eggs real and in the imagination kept me going through those months after. It was the best I could do. I didn’t want to talk about anything else, not on the page or in any other way.

I don’t believe in explaining things. Works of the imagination are, or should be, sufficient unto themselves. But as William Mulholland said when the stolen water from the Eastern Sierra came into Los Angeles: Here it is, take it — and I will add, only if you wish.